On Life, Death, and Tranquility

 

Sunrise in the foothills of East Tennessee.

Question: For some time now I have been thinking about death. I don't mean that I am constantly unhappy, but somehow I have lost much of my interest in life itself...

Everything seems so temporary. Whatever happiness we find, sooner or later it disappears. We struggle, we achieve something, we lose it, and then begin again. And there is so much suffering in between.

I feel tired of this whole process. Sometimes I wonder what I am still doing here. I have responsibilities, people I love, but deep inside I sometimes feel like someone waiting for a ticket to leave.

The possibility of something beyond time, beyond this endless cycle of pleasure and pain, has become very attractive to me.

People say we should enjoy life, embrace the world, identify with the universe, find purpose in helping others. But honestly, I don't feel much attraction to that either. Why should I begin another pursuit when everything is going to pass?

Is this detachment? Or perhaps something is wrong with me?

Should I try to love life again? Or is it better to accept this longing for death?

I would really appreciate your thoughts.

Vira Chandra: I read your words carefully. And I have to say, it touched me deeply. Especially your words about waiting for a ticket to leave.

I wish I could give you a simple answer... but these are terribly difficult questions, and I would rather admit that than offer you some beautiful spiritual explanation that doesn't really touch your pain.

First, I want to ask you something. When you speak about waiting for death, do you actually wish to die? Has life become so unbearable that you want it to end? Please don't misunderstand my question. I have known something of that exhaustion myself. And I think we must be very careful here...

Sometimes what we call spiritual detachment is actually depression, or simply the result of suffering for too long - the distinction isn't always obvious and both may even exist together. If thoughts of death are constantly troubling you, please consider speaking with a qualified mental health professional. Perhaps there is something that can be treated. Perhaps medication would help. And if you are actually thinking of ending your life, please tell someone you trust and seek professional help promptly. If you feel you might act on those thoughts, seek immediate assistance.

There is no shame in any of this. I would be deeply uncomfortable telling someone who has lost the desire to live that he has attained some advanced spiritual state. What if he is simply suffering terribly and needs help?

Your philosophical questions are important. But so are you, the person asking them.

Now, regarding life itself...

I don't think you need to force yourself to love it.

I know there are teachings about embracing existence, identifying with the whole universe, discovering joy everywhere. I can appreciate the intention...but I am not entirely convinced that this is always the right answer because sometimes life is genuinely terrible and awful. There is cruelty, injustice, suffering that we cannot explain. And frankly, I don't think we need to explain everything. Some things are horrible, and I see no reason to pretend otherwise...why should you be obliged to celebrate existence?

But then... why reject its beauty either? There is a warm cup of tea. A beautiful piece of music. A quiet walk through the forest, the fresh air, sunlight among the trees. A few pages of a good book. A tender moment with someone you love.

Small things, certainly. But real. You say that everything passes. Yes, it does. But does that make these moments worthless? Think about a sunset. You know it will disappear in a few minutes. And yet you can still enjoy it. Why should it need to last forever?

Perhaps we are simply demanding too much from life. We want happiness to remain, suffering to disappear, everything to have some ultimate meaning. And when life doesn't fulfill these expectations, we begin to reject the whole thing.

But what if we stop demanding so much?

When something beautiful comes, enjoy it. When suffering comes, try to alleviate it. Protect yourself, help others when you can, do what needs to be done.

And when you are exhausted, allow yourself to be exhausted. You don't have to manufacture happiness.

I think my own attitude has gradually become something like this. Just living. Doing my work, caring for people, enjoying the little things when possible. There is already enough to attend to without making the enjoyment of existence another spiritual mission.

You also mentioned identifying with the universe. But I wonder, why must we identify with anything?

We identify with this little personality, discover its limitations, and then perhaps try to identify with something infinitely greater. But isn't the underlying movement still there?

This is why Ramana Maharshi's approach feels much closer to me. Instead of seeking another identity, perhaps we should investigate the very one who feels the need to escape, to become something, to find permanence.

Who is this 'I' that is so troubled by the passing of everything?

I think this question goes much deeper. Though I wouldn't turn even this inquiry into another desperate pursuit, or use it to dismiss actual human suffering.

And there is one word that I have come to appreciate more and more: tranquility.

Not indifference because we still love, care, struggle, sometimes become frightened or angry. We are human beings, after all! But perhaps we can gradually stop demanding that life provide some final satisfaction.

If there is joy, then wonderful! If there is sorrow, then we deal with it as best we can...sometimes we succeed, sometimes we don't.

And tranquility itself should not be another obligation! Some days you may be terribly afraid or overwhelmed. That doesn't mean you have failed spiritually. You are allowed to be human...

Now, about death.

I would gently ask you not to turn it into a promised liberation.

What do we actually know about it? Perhaps there is another life, perhaps something entirely beyond our understanding. Perhaps nothing at all.

I don't know. And I am quite comfortable admitting that.

But why should we spend our days waiting for something we know so little about? Haven't we already spent enough of our lives waiting for happiness somewhere in the future?

And now, disappointed with life, should we begin waiting for death instead?

I don't think so!

Death will come one day, in the natural course of things. When that moment arrives, we will have to face it. Perhaps with fear, perhaps with peace. I wouldn't pretend to know how I will feel.

But why rehearse our departure every day?

Because we are alive now. There are things to do, people to care for. Sometimes there is beauty. Sometimes there is pain. I don't think we need to resolve the whole mystery of existence before we can live an ordinary day. And if the pain becomes too much, please seek help. Don't make yourself endure it in silence simply because you have been contemplating spiritual detachment.

I know this may not be the grand answer you were hoping for. A year ago, perhaps I would have answered you with much more fire, much more certainty... but something in me has cracked since then. I cannot tell you why there is so much suffering, or promise that everything will eventually be made right.

But I think that there is a certain freedom in no longer demanding that life justify itself to us. We can appreciate its beauty without denying its cruelty, and we can acknowledge our mortality without spending our lives longing for death.

We can care deeply about this world without pretending we are the whole universe.

Perhaps,  that's what tranquility means to me right now.

I think that you don't have to fall in love with existence, but also there is no need  to pretend that everything is wonderful. So please don't spend your remaining days waiting for that ticket!

There may still be a beautiful sunset tomorrow. Or a little music, a warm conversation, some fresh air. And there may be another difficult day. We cannot know.

For now, take care of yourself. Do what you can. Rest when you need to. Allow yourself a little happiness when it comes. And perhaps... simply live, without asking life - or death - to give you what they may never give.

With warmth and affection.